Hello everyone. Welcome back to the programme on Family Matters.

Last time, we acknowledged the importance of the family unit. We understood the responsibility of parenting and took heart that for the Christian parent, we can be confident in the knowledge that our children belong to God and that we have the teaching of the Bible to help and guide us.

The Old Testament laws are exacting and show us that God sets very high standards for our relationships with one another. However much we would like to live up to God’s high standards, we find we constantly fail. Perhaps the hardest place to be consistently good is with our own families. When we read the stories of how God’s people lived, we see many failures and mistakes which I think are there to encourage us that there is no such thing as a perfect family.

The most God-fearing people in the Old Testament had problems with their families.

Eli was a faithful priest who served God throughout his life.  I think we can assume he raised his sons Hophni and Phineas to know and love God, and to follow him into the priesthood. Sadly, 1 Samuel 2 tells us that they became selfish and corrupt, taking for themselves what belonged to God, and as a result faced judgement.

David was a great and godly king, but in the area of family he failed in his parenting. He spoiled his children, indulging them when he should have disciplined them and as a result, only one, Solomon, became a faithful follower of God. It is with sadness that we read in 2 Samuel 15-18 of his severe disappointment in his son Absalom, who tried to usurp his father and later humiliated him.

Jesus’ own earthly family was not without its problems.

Mark 3.21 recounts an attempt by his family to stop his ministry because they thought he was mad. Jesus’ response may seem rather harsh, saying that his new family were those who believed in him. It is however heartening to learn from Acts 1.14 that his mother and at least 2 of his brothers were believers after his death.

At the root of our struggle with sin is our self-centred nature.

When God created the first human beings in their perfect garden, he chose to create them with a will of their own. When the wily serpent came to Eve, he knew just how to appeal to her weak spot. He first of all twisted God’s words and made Eve doubt God’s good intentions in denying them access to the tree of knowledge. He then offers her the opportunity to be her own person, no longer answerable to anyone, including the God who had been nothing but kindness to her and to Adam. They had everything they needed and more, but Satan appealed to her greed and ambition and so sin entered God’s perfect world, destroying the perfect harmony between God and his creation. That self-centredness has been at the root of our struggles ever since. In Romans 7, the apostle Paul describes the struggle between knowing what is right and yet being unable to stop himself from doing wrong.

It is our duty as parents to help our children combat that self-centredness.

When our first child is born, they bring such joy that we are overwhelmed with love for them. Life revolves around them and we truly believe that that love will be enough to make them stay the loving and obedient child of their early days. It seems unthinkable that they will need to be disciplined. But we soon discover that our child has a will of his own and that surely asserts itself when we have to let them understand that they are not the centre of the universe and cannot always have their own way.

Children have to learn the hard lesson that others’ needs have be taken into consideration. Also, they are too young to understand that some activities are harmful and they must be stopped. We do them no favours in later years if we fail to teach them acceptable boundaries at an early age. Proverbs chapter 13 verse 24 warns us that denying a child the control of discipline is as good as hating him. If we really love our children, we will understand that discipline is for their own good. It can be so easy to avoid confrontation or temper tantrums by giving in and giving the child what he wants. Sadly, what we are actually teaching them is that bad behaviour will eventually get them what they want.    

Corporal punishment is a very controversial area today.

It is certainly necessary to restrain those parents who go too far and chastisement becomes a form of abuse. But there are other ways besides the use of physical means which are equally effective. From the age of 2, our grandson has been forced to spend time out, meaning he is denied play for a limited period. Withdrawal of treats, again for a limited period, can also achieve the desired results.

Every child is unique and different. You cannot treat them all in exactly the same way.  My older son always needed to test the boundaries of acceptable behaviour and during what has become known as “the terrible twos” was constantly chastised and threatened with punishment as he repeatedly overstepped the mark. He thought it unfair that his younger brother did not receive as much punishment, but for him parental disapproval was enough to teach him what was unacceptable behaviour.

Discipline will be in the context of an ongoing relationship with your child. Learning to understand how they think; praising and encouraging as well as punishing. Discipline will then be in the context of a loving relationship, and hopefully children will understand why they need to be chastised, and not become bitter or resentful. Often, in exasperation parents may lose their temper and it is best to take time for both to cool down. After a time of discipline, especially as the child grows older, it is important to discuss what has happened. It is vitally important that children understand that discipline is not a withdrawal of love, but love which shows concern for what is best for them.

It is important for both parents to agree on both the need for, and the means of discipline, or children will learn how to take advantage of our weaknesses. Both parents need to co-operate and work together to make sure there is consistency. If one parent disagrees with something then it should never be discussed in front of the child, but dealt with later.

Genesis chapters 25 and 27 give us an example of how lack of parental agreement can have profound consequences. Isaac and Rebecca had twin sons, very different in temperament and their parents made the classic error of having favourites. Isaac favoured the older son Esau, a hunter and somewhat impatient young man. Rebecca favoured her younger son Jacob. She was determined he should receive the blessing normally reserved for the oldest child. She schemed with Jacob to deceive his father on his death bed, the time for the blessing to be given. She wanted to send in Jacob while Esau was absent and have him pretend to be his brother; The problem was that Esau had hairy skin, As Jacob was smooth-skinned, it was inevitable that as soon as Isaac touched him, he would know. Rebecca disguised Jacob with animal skins – enough to deceive Isaac and for the deed to be done. Once given, the blessing could not be taken back, even although it was deceitfully given. Esau was understandably furious and, and Jacob had to run for his life. The nuclear family was split and Jacob was estranged from them for many years.

How we discipline children will change as they grow older.

Parenting through these teen years is very much related to good communication and early discipline in the early years. It is important to establish open and honest communication, obviously related to the stage of development. In our family, we established one evening a week to be spent together. We took turns to choose the activity, the only rule being no criticism of the choice made! One part of the evening would allow us to express areas of pleasure and address any grievances if necessary. Learning to listen to one another was an important area of learning for us all. The purpose of listening is to try to hear how each person sees the issue; make sure each is expressing their feelings correctly; ensure everyone is listening to everyone else. Time spent reading the Bible and praying together as a family is important.

We do well to adopt the attitude that Paul encourages in the Philippians when he tells them in chapter 2, verses 3 and 4. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

When the inevitable clashes occur as the teenager seeks to establish his independence, the foundations of good and honest communication should pay dividends. We can be flexible, negotiate, and above all endeavour not to force them into secrecy and deceitfulness. We need to respect boundaries and not allow worries about their activities lead us into secret searches of their rooms, reading of their diaries or surreptitiously listening in to phone conversations. My younger son met up every weekend in a garden hut from which parents were banned. We all worried what they might be getting up to, and were embarrassed some years later to find they divided time between playing monopoly and planning a round the world trip in a gap year before university. How embarrassing if we had invaded their privacy!

We do well to heed Paul’s advice to fathers in Ephesians 6.4 and Colossians 3.21, that they not embitter their children and so lead them to be discouraged

Please tune in again next week to think about children’s responsibilities towards their parents.

Questions

Do we find it hard to accept that we sometimes fail our children?

Share some ways you can help children to learn to become responsible and mindful of others

How would you deal with worries that your child has become involved in wrong behaviour?